KCK May PR - The Stickman - A Completely Normal 39 year old

Kansas City-

Please note: this entire PR will depend on all of us agreeing that “Stan Hickman”, when said very fast, kinda sounds like “Stickman”- i.e. a true cocksman per http://www.legendarystickmen.com/)

While best known for his prowess with the ladies, Stan “Stickman” Hickman has been scoring on the field too.  Hickman, one of the King’s few free agent targets over the summer, has started off hotter than his even his old man sexiness would indicate.

(Colin’s google images auto completes “40” to “40 year old sexy man classy”)

“Wanna help me get this Stick in gear?”

Mr. Hickman, also best known for being terrible in Irvine in 2023, is slugging at his highest percentage since 2018.  Seriously, a goddamn decade ago.  Of course, early season, SSS, blah blah, but I choose to believe.  Simultaneously, the Stick is providing advice on both hitting on baseballs and hitting on ladies to the youngsters in KC.  He (obviously) leads the team in dongs and RBIs and is a frighteningly large part of the King’s offense.  So with absolutely no doubt that he’s on some kind of Viagra/HGH cocktail, King’s GM Shelby has requested that these drug’s shipments be doubled, and also sent to Shelby’s home address.  For… safety.

Other fun facts about ye old Kings:

• Mark Head was signed on May 2^nd to replace dearly departed Jesus Lopez.  He’s started 4 games, and gotten the W in 3 of them.  This has been good enough to put him third on the King’s pitching leaders.
• Ron Young- Maybe actually for real?  Listen, he’s got 20/20 stuff.  Just fantastic stuff.  But he has 10/20 movement and 10/20 control, making him the three true outcome pitcher!  He led the league in K/9 last year, so I expect his K’s to improve, but I’m still so worried.  Walks and home runs aren’t a great way to success. 
• The Kings are 1^st in defensive efficiency in the CL!  What a turn-around from the previous era, so we’ll take it.  However, our pitching is so bad, even with that efficiency, our bullpen is 9^th in ERA. 
• Finally, Toshimichi Kono just keeps on chugging.  He’s been moved to the DH to accommodate my large adult son (joint custody with Chase) Douglas Taylor, and he seems to be loving it.  His BABIP is probably about 40 points too high, but fuck that, 5 WAR here we come!