WILDCARD BITCHES REDUX
(Yes, IASIP made the joke twice)
Please note that each of these teams (except my own) have gone 8-2 over there last 10 games. The CL is HOT HOT HOT
Vista Panthers
79-50 .612% 2nd in CL West
Robot Odds: 36.8% Division Winner/81.9% Playoff
Remaining SoS: .534
Current GB: +1
Key Injuries:
SP Randy Mailman
OF Dante Owens
DH Mark Wells
Comments:
Only through the cruelty of the injury gods has Jordan’s team not secured a playoff spot. Jordan doesn’t talk about Randy Mailman much, but he was a pretty solid SP who was probably going to put up 4 WAR or so. Hilariously, the Mailman has the build of a real mailman- 5’8” and 215 pounds! Oh man, Jordan, you should write a PR about this guy!
More depressingly, the prize of the 2028 off-season, Dante Owens tore his shoulder into what might have been his best season yet, which is really saying something. He was OPS’ing 1.068 in 350ish ABs, while striking out less than 4% of the time.
I’m excited for:
The Vista-Seattle tilts. As Kevin mentioned in his previous PR, they’re going to be awesome and super important. In fact, Vista and Seattle actually belong in both the Wildcard and Division races. No matter who loses, the real winner is us, the fans.
Weakness:
Batting average- they could really use a guy with an OPS over 1…
Kansas City Kings
(Already did my own team last time so no pics)
78-51 .605% 2nd in CL Central
Robot Odds: 0.0% Division Winner/86.9% Playoff
Remaining SoS: .497
Current GB: -
Fresno Deplorables
75-55 .577% 3rd in CL West
Robot Odds: 5.7% Division Winner/28.6% Playoff
Remaining SoS: .522
Current GB: 3.5
Key Injuries:
SP Kip Manning
2B Aaron Scott
CF Keith Beard
SS Dani Vazquez
Comments:
Only through the cruelty of the injury gods has TRUMP’s team not secured a playoff spot.
Wait, that sounds familiar… What the hell is wrong with you CL West?!
I’m excited for:
These fuckers getting hot at the right time again. They’re a constant reminder that Hillary’s Seattle’s lead isn’t safe. FiveThirtyEight.com puts their chances at winning the division at 5% but their chance to win the Electoral College wildcard at 28%
Also, the Vista/Seattle/Fresno tilts. I think we can all agree, we’re rooting for ties. At least Fresno delivers DINGERS.
Weakness:
Actually a damn solid squad. Pepe did a pretty damn good job putting together a well-rounded squad- placing in the top 5ish of the non-stolen bases/defensive efficiency categories. Big free agent signings Nelson Ortega and Samuel Emond have delivered, and even AgentX himself can’t injure enough of his offense.
Jersey Shore D-Bags
73-56 .566% 2nd in CL East
Robot Odds: 0.0% Division Winner/13.1% Playoff
Remaining SoS: .504
Current GB: 5
Comments:
Riding a 6 game winning streak, our fearless mountain man leader Josh continues to be more than just relevant every year. Dave Dodd is back after a horrible 4.9 WAR season in 2028 to put up his usual 8-10 WAR, threaten to hit .400 and play a mean RF.
Key Injuries:
RF Ed Murray
Weakness:
No sane, proper mind wants to look at the "Jersey D-Bags" like that every time they log on. Thats sick. The first thing I do when I research a new league is look at the names. And if the league is full of sick names like that then I know it's a perverted league. It's not wholesome. There are too many vicious, unprofessional types judging from the names theyre using. I don't want to be in a league full of violent types that believe themselves to be hitmen, looters, hackers, and "D-bags". It's vulgarity that I am better off without.
I’m excited for:
Being afraid of the D-Bags until the day I die. And one day, I’ll stop mentally translating “D-Bags” to “DiamondBacks”.
And even though he claims to be rebuilding, I’m going to throw out an honorable mention to Bill and the St. Louis Browns
For also being 8-2 over their last 10 games, while swinging some excellent rebuilding trades.
And
Bosma and the Kalmazoo Royale with Cheese
For NOT GOING AWAY DAMMIT. Eventually my horseshoe will fall out of my ass and I’ll stop winning one run games against them, and that day, I will be irrelevant once again.
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